In one day it's December first. And I do not have a Christmas tree.

In an apartment in the city, this is normal. Many people do not spend the money or time shoving a fake or real pine tree in to their small spaces. Many people don't take the time to string lights and match ornaments and do all of this while listening to Christmas music.

But I am not one of those people.

But this year, I just don't feel like I deserve Christmas.

A year ago I had put my very first real Christmas tree in the small living room of Dave and my apartment. It was a surprise. My brother and I rented a truck and drove to a normally vacant parking lot that they turn in to little faux forests during the holidays and bent tree branches and needles and shook them and finally strapped it to the truck and lugged home a seven footer.

Dave was still at work and when he walked in the door to find a giant tree in the middle of our living room, he was speechless.

And for an entire month we had that pine tree smell that you only can really get in your house once a year. It felt like Christmas. I wanted our first Christmas living together to be one of those memorable ones you see on T.V. You know, where people make the most out of the holiday because it was a momentous occasion. Christmas in the same house is a momentous occasion.

This year is not like that. And this is OK. But, without a tree it doesn't feel right. It doesn't make sense. I can step out side and walk down sidewalks while catching glimpses of trees in people's windows. I can see decorations at the stores I shop at. I can even hear the holiday music playing at the coffee shops I hang at.

But when you step in to my apartment, you will not know what holiday it is. It could Easter. It could be President's Day. It could even be Labor Day. It's funny how your apartments can do that... fool you in to thinking it's another day. Or not special day at all.

But, right now, I just want to remember the tree from last year. It was pretty. It was momentous. It was my first tree with someone I loved. Another tree can't replace that.