YES!


Sex and the City Movie TV spot from Cosmo Guy on Vimeo.

It's here.

In Belize they speak Creole.

It's a mashed up language that involves a mixture of different languages all combined in to one.

Now, I'm going to tell you that you can try to learn this language, but there is only way to do this and it involves beer. Lots of Belizian beer.

While having a quick lunch in a hole-in-the-wall joint in a small town in Belize I started talking to a woman who was a tour guide of the city. She bonded with me, because get this, apparently the only American t.v. channel they get there is WGN... you know, channel 9. And they adore the Cubs. She nearly gave me her first born when I told her I live, like, two blocks from the stadium and we bonded over this. I didn't have the heart to tell her I hate baseball.

Anyway, I'm drunk and she's trying to teach me Creole.

"What do you want to learn to say?" She says in this heavy accent while I stand next to hear basking in the sun and buzzing with my aviators on.

"How about... just how's it going?"

Now, here's the thing about this language. It makes what you are going to say ten times longer than what you are used to. So, for us, saying "how's it going" takes what? Three seconds. But their language makes it ten minutes. I'm not joking.

So, she says how to do it and I try to say it and then I say: "Um, that seems like a lot of work to just say hello to someone. And she says: "Well, how do you guys say it?"

"Hey." I say back to her.
"That's it?"
"Yup."
"Huh."

She then tries to teach me to say that I think someone is hot. It's long and difficult and I shake my head and say: "That also is a lot of work."

"Well, den, how do you say it?" She asks me shaking her head in confusion.

"Heyyyyyyyyyyyy." I say back. She doesn't get the joke. She actually looks even more confused.

She then tries to teach me how you get someone's attention. It's all jibber jabber and cool and stuff, but I shake my head and say "Wow, this is tough."

"Well, how do you do it?" She asks already knowing the answer.

"HEY!"

She walks away from me. I realize that I can not spread American culture while intoxicated on Belizian beer. Well, I can... but you wouldn't be proud of me.

This morning I woke up to the sound of pigeons having sex.

Now, to be fair, I am not a scientist and actually don't know if the sound I heard was really that of two pigeons doing the nasty at five in the morning, but the cooing didn't sound like they were just having a first date. And let me tell you, it wasn't just a cute coo. It was like a "I haven't gone to town in, like, months with another pigeon" kind of sound. Which if you're wondering what this sounds like... it sounds like this: Coo! COO! CooooO! coo! COOOOOO! Co. Co. Co. COOOOOOOO!!!

You might be asking yourselves, now, what does someone do with a situation much like this one? Well, when it is five in the morning the only real answers you are going to get are from Google.

What I googled this morning at five in the morning: "Pigeon sex".

Now, if you're a first time reader or, you know, are the feds trying to watch my back then realize two things: a) I googled this phrase because I wanted to be accurate in this blog knowing whether I heard pigeons having sex or if it was just trying to talk to me. And b) I have fetishes(we allllll have fetishes) but mine do not involve pigeons. Clear? Clear.

Anyway, I find this:

It's a video entitled "Pigeon Porn". Yes. Pigeon porn. One more time for the cheap seats in the back... pigeon porn. By now it's five fifteen and I am watching pigeon porn in bed. I would like to state two facts here: 1) If I were not alone in bed, this would have never happened. I would have rolled over and covered my face with a pillow and 2) People tape pigeons having sex.

So, it got me thinking about being single. Of course.

Sometimes there are those moments in your life that you will not share with someone. You know, the moments when you are completely alone and the only other person there to appreciate it or go through it with you is yourself. It turns in to this moment of "DAMN! No one is ever going to believe this or think this is real..." and it's just this weird bond you have with yourself... that inside joke only you and yourself will ever get. Lately, these moments have been happening more often because, well, I'm alone more often. And the great thing about that... it's OK. Growing up with a close family and living with roommates... you never get to have those kind of moments.

But I also got to thinking about how I like to sleep. Being the new bartender I am, I know how to stand my ground a bit more these days. So, I open the window land scream at the supposed horny birds: "SHUT UP! It's five in the fricken morning!!". I see them two window sills down. They do actually shut up and then fly away around the corner of the building down the alley and all is quiet again... until I play the pigeon porn before I fall back asleep... then the room is filled with my laughter... and cooing.

Josh(hi Josh!) is awesome. You know this and him from his blog and that he is my business partner and he's funny and he is witty and, now, he has his own show. A local Chicago magazine (UR CHICAGO)picked up his idea dubbed "Other People's Bookshelves" in which he, um, goes to other people's bookshelves and discusses what's on them. He came to my house. It was fun. We drank wine at eleven a.m. That was even more fun.

I know. I know. I promised I'd come back. But, dang, I've been busy.
This is why:

2nd Story Festival!

It's true. I've been busy and doing this thing every day called, I think, living life and haven't had a breath of blog air in, like, what? Almost two weeks. So, to keep you believing in me I will take a blog promise... a blogmise if you will... and make a list of things that I have written in my journal to tell you all about and will do so upon my return from BELIZE. Yes, you read that correctly. I am going to be somewhere where you can't get frostbit... except, maybe, from holding an ice cube from your mojito on your body too long. In that case, bring on the frostbite.

List:

1) How I am going to be in Vogue!
2) The first time I saw grass this spring and how relieving it was.
3) If I was Hulk Hogan's son what would I do?
4) How I got asked if I was famous and lied.
5) How I lost two umbrellas in one day... and it doesn't involve drinking booze. Sort of.
6) Meeting my upstairs neighbor... the one that sings Mariah Carey at 2 a.m
7) Teaching a baby all about America's Next Top Model (Hi Caleb!--cause, he reads this blog.)