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12.10.08 O.K.? No. Not O.K.

I'm just going to put it out there. Sometimes we pretend that everything is O.K. because you want people to think that everything is O.K. because it's easier to not have to explain everything that is not O.K. and it's easier to just be O.K. O.K?

Anyway, Josh and I had lunch together today. I don't need to even go on the "Josh is the best guy in the world" rant that I tend to do when I mention the great things he does for me. But, while waiting in line for my sandwich, I almost start to cry. I'm not sure if you have those moments when something just sort of clicks(or, ahem, a lot of somethings) and after all the time you've been holding it in, it comes out in the wrongest of times. Like in a busy line. At a sandwich joint. In a sandwich joint where there are a lot of big dudes who probably never cry. And just as I was about to bite my lip and hold back a gushing of warm tears, I discovered a framed poster on the wall near the counter. It read:

I Believe-
that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I Believe-
that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I Believe-
that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by other. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken that the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe-
that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe-
that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.
And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I Believe-
that you shouldn't be eager to find out a secret.
It could change your life forever.

I Believe-
that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I Believe-
that you should always leave loved ones with loving well wishes. It may be the last time you see them.

I Believe-
that you can keep going long after you can't.

I Believe-
that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe-
that we don't have to change friends, if we understand that friends change.

I Believe-
that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I Believe-
that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.

I Believe-
that you either control your attitude or it controls you.

I Believe-
that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, that passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I Believe-
that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I Believe-
that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I Believe-
that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones who help you get back up.

I Believe-
that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe-
that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe-
that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.

I Believe-
that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe-
that the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

They say that everything happens for a reason. We do things, see people, go places in the exact precise time. Unnamed forces just push us to these places because these aforementioned unnamed forces just know there is something there for us to realize.

As I took of my heavy winter coat and stepped in to my apartment after walking home from lunch, I found the poster online and printed it to put somewhere I can read it and be reminded that in the end... no matter who breaks our heart a million times or how many bills there are still left to pay or how damn scary a particular health condition is getting... somewhere there is a poster to remind you who you really are:

A guy that has to be and will be O.K.


Comments

+ Nora says...

Oh, Byron.
Not only can I relate to the tear-factor (I am the queen of pretending everything is okay!), I love the poster you posted for us to read and got goosebumps while reading it.

It's hard to get through these days but if you can find something to make it a tiny bit better you are lucky.

I hope it gets better for you.
Hugs, hugs and more hugs,
Nora

+ ByronAuthor Profile Page says...

Nora,

You blow my mind. I feel like if you were closer we would best friends. Seriously, you make me feel so great when you comment. Thank YOU.

+ the other Chuck says...

I'm not really sure what's going on with you lately, if prop 8 has coincided with the weather change or some other thing, but you are causing my heart to ache. I'm glad you were able to cry to Josh, and I hope it helped.
One thing I believe is that no one gets there alone.
And no one should have to.
While no one should use another person as though they are a thing, we should utilize friendships to their greatest potential.

+ Bradley says...

I certainly hope you're feeling better... remember that no one is "OK" 100% of the time. It's perfectly OK to be "Not OK" (life is nothing if not a paradox). I too am sure you will be OK. Breathe. One thing at a time.

+ Bryan says...

I found your blog finally. That's a really nice post and helped me in dealing with something I am going through. I hope all is well up there and you are feeling better. (Bryan, the "Lilly!" guy).

+ Dutchimport says...

Great, thanks, Byron, you've got me bawling at my desk at work!

+ Elena says...

dear byron,

i love this story, this moment in your life. thank you for sharing it. who decided that there was one way to be? whether they make you act "professional" at your day job, extra happy while waiting tables, or stoic in public settings, limits on our self-expression are just as harmful, if we let them in, than physical limits. fucking rebel (as in the imperative, verb form) man. i believe that every moment one of us finds the strength to be where we're at even when it's inconvenient for others, we silently give other people the right to be where they're at too.

+ Dharmamama says...

I believe -

If you go to Sweet Mandy B's they'll have a surprise for you - just tell them your name!

(It's probably not the healthiest choice, but I can face anything better with cupcakes.)

+ Byron says...

Dharmamama! Are you for serious?!?!?!??!

+ Dharmamama says...

For reals, man. :)

+ Doug says...

Byron, thank you so much for posting this. I have seen it before, but it really didn't resonate with me then. It does now and it's something that I really needed to see at this moment in my life. Thanks again. You rock. :-)

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Byron Flitsch
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