I’m always floored when someone shoots me an email that says “Hey, just read your stuff…” and then adds a comment. I’m usually all: “Oh, wow… that’s right, this is the Internet — this stuff goes to places. Technology is cooooooool.” Usually the emails are polite things that I make millions copies of and post as wallpaper in our bedroom humbly relish in, but sometimes … well, this one time, it wasn’t very nice.
A few days ago I got an email from some dude that we’ll name “Joe-Schmuck” and aside from having some rough spelling, the email was a bit snarky:
I didn’t know u could simultaneously fit all of the gay stereotypes at one time but…..there u are!!
Stereotypes? Okay, so maybe I’m kinda gay (reading old posts — Okay, I can get pretty gay!). At first, I thought it was one of those robot spam thingys that people always talk about (again, technology is cooooooool), but when I sent back my response (which was a polite: “Not sure if this is spam, but thanks for your two cents. I always appreciate feedback.”) not really expecting to hear anything in return, I received:
“Anytime…..constructive criticism is what makes “writers” like yourself better” (side note: He used five dots for his ellipses… not me.)
You’re sitting there either doing one of three things:
1) Nodding your head in agreement with “Joe-Schmuck” — which, in that case, you should probably adios yourself out of here now.
2) Shaking your head at dude’s poor use of the ellipse.
3) Wondering why this even bothered me in the first place to the point that I’m writing about it now.
Yup, #3 got me too.
The word “stereotype” has been kind of like a shadow for me all my life. While every other kid was naturally being who they wanted to be with a sense of normalcy or pride, I was that kid who liked girl things better than boys stuff; I had more girlfriends; I was sensitive. I say all this is “bad” because, at the time, it just seemed like everyone else was doing what felt natural and normal while me wanting to play basketball with the guys one day and making friendship bracelets with the girls the next felt so wrong. Why was it wrong: ’cause of some punk-ass people (AKA boys) in grade/middle/high school constantly reminded me how different I was from them. Even a teacher told my parents I was different one time during a teacher/parent conference. I remember my mom coming home and asking me why I preferred coloring during recess to playing kickball. She never judged, but I knew her simple question meant something wasn’t right.
Jump a gazillion years later — I’m not a dude’s dude, obviously: I wear tighter jeans, HATE playing under car hoods and will go to a baseball game just to enjoy a licorice rope — not to catch up on stats. But I also like playing defense for my old broomball team, enjoy a cold beer, and grill like a pro. But that’s the thing: I do guy-ish AND girly things. I’m comfortable. I’m happy. I’ve never been more confident in my life.
So why is Joe getting under my skin?
Because dude is a gay-gay bully, and he’s after his own kind. How do I know he’s gay? I don’t for sure (but after careful Facebook investigation — thanks internet stalking — I believe I know my culprit, and he is gaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!). And even if he’s not, gay-gay bullies are out there and they throw things like “stereotypes” in your face to make you fear who you are just like people used to do to you when you were a kid. They want you to think that you’re portraying a “bad” side of gay people that makes all gay people look just as “bad” as you. When, really, the only insecure person is the one trying to call you out on your gender confidence.
LUCKILY my life is awesome, and I don’t need to fear anyone’s opinion of me. But with teen suicide, all these organizations telling people “it gets better” and the everyday struggles people go through — why would any gay person bully anyone in to feeling bad about themselves?
I tossed and turned in bed for a good half hour last night thinking about all the times I ever felt awkward in my own gay skin because this random strangers poorly spelled sentence. I realized that my anxiety was stemming from the fact that it wasn’t me defending myself from some uneducated straight person who thinks all gay people are sissy — it’s someone on my team, a bro, a pal!
In proof: I could list A MILLION things that I do “guy-like” that would toss all my “too gay” stereotypes to the curb, but that would be like reciting the alphabet to prove you speak English — just so ridiculous.
What I can say is this: I don’t care if you’re gay or straight — chill the “F” out when it comes to judging someone based off of your personal insecurities and especially don’t comparison judge. Just because one “type” of person does something doesn’t mean every other “type” of person is guilty. (See: Pit Bull dogs stereotypes, Middle Eastern stereotypes, homeless people stereotypes, people who listen to Katy Perry stereotypes). And if I was the GAYEST person in the world — whose problem is that? Exactly. No one. Not even mine.
Most importantly, take a second and breathe this into your being:
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― Maya Angelou
Live it. Use it. Stop trying to make people feel like they’re doing something wrong when they are doing everything in their power to live in the happiness they have dutifully earned through life’s trials.
Even MORE importantly: have a nice day.
